Monday, June 28, 2010


I've been having a hard time in the last couple of weeks...not sure why it is harder now than it was before, but I am assuming that as time goes on things will hurt less and may even hurt more. I don't show it much when I am down. Not sure why, but that's just my nature. I take the "everything is fine" approach. And with running after a 2 year old still, most times, the nights are the hardest. When everyone has gone to bed and my mind just goes and goes and goes.

I am not much of a worrier...I am a pretty laid back person, mommy, wife, etc. which is why I am having a hard time at night. It takes a lot to ruffle my feathers and it takes a LOT to really tick me off. When I am upset, you will know it. I am so thankful that I am like this, but I think lately I have been a tad bit on the anxious side. Is Jackson ok? Is Renzi ok? Did I leave the oven on? (which is odd because I haven't cooked in weeks!)

Having gone through what we just went through is quite crippling. I find myself rationalizing with God and thinking things like, "Well, surely God knows we have been through enough. Right?"

The truth is, I believe in a Sovereign God. He can do and will do, what he pleases. He has my best interest at heart. He has an eternal perspective that I can only pray to catch glimpses of. He loves me unconditionally and with gracious love.

My prayer is that I can trust in Him and know that God is in control and will not give me what I can not handle. I am stronger than I think (as I believe that we all are). He knew me before the earth was made and he knows Renzi and both of my boys. He has has the past, present and future in His hands, and that should be Enough.

I miss my Zayah every second of every day. I miss his sweet smile, the way he laid his head on my shoulder when I picke him up, the way he ate like a freaking champ, the way he looked at Jackson like he was the coolest thing on this planet, the way he squealed withe delight when Renzi walked in the door. Everything. No one will ever be able to replace that. But I was given some advice from a fellow mommy who had lost a son a few years back. Ann Fleming lost her son Nate in the OSU plane crash in 2001. Her daughter Drue is a dear friend of mine. Ann wrote me a card after Isaiah died and said, "You have to learn to be ok with that fact that Renzi and Jackson are enough."

Great advice and that's what I am doing. Being ok with what I've got. That, my friends, is enough.


Haley & Tyler's mommy said...

Hugs & prayers to you, LeeAnne.

Sandra Haggard said...

LeeAnne--you are in my prayers daily--I ask God to give you strength and comfort your soul--I can only imagine how painful this is for you both--Sandra Haggard

Anonymous said...

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Our families prayer for you.

Melanie said...

LeeAnne - I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know those words are not enough but It truly breaks my heart to hear what you are going through. I am encouraged by your post and know that our loving, heavenly father will continue to bring you the most amazing peace that transcends all understanding. Hugs to you!

Melanie Bittman Gladhill