Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I have been dreaming about him a lot lately.

And in every dream, he is healed.

It feels so good to be able to see his face in my dreams, and every time I dream about him, I remember the next morning how tightly I held onto him throughout the dream. I never wake up sad. Almost relieved that I got to spend some time with him while dreaming.

I have made so much progress in my grieving, and together, Renzi and I have made great strides in healing our hearts but it's tricky when you are dealing with the emotions that come at such random times. Like, it seems like everytime we watch American Idol...I cry. I know, I know, some of the stories are gut wrenching and really can get to you, but I am boo hooing at least six different times during the show. I also have cried watching The Bachelor recently, but please don't tell anyone that. :) I cried when Emily got to spend time with her daughter last night after being gone for so long...on a dating show. What is wrong with me???? :)

The thing is, I will have these little cries and then I feel much better almost immediately. It's like I am totally in tune with the fact that clearly my body needs to cry, so I cry and then BAM. I feel better. Before Isaiah died, I would hold in a lot of tears but it has felt so good to let them flow whenever I feel like it. I am taking every feeling I am feeling and trying to grow with it and go with it.

I say all of this to lead up to this story.

We had an amazing thing happen before Christmas.

Renzi and I had lunch with Isaiah's amazing neurologist Dr. Norman one day. We had been planning it for awhile and finally we all had the chance to sit down together. It was a great lunch and good to see her. Before our lunch was over I asked her the question, "If Renzi and I decide some day to have another baby, what do you think the likelihood would be that our child could have epilepsy like Isaiah?"

She talked about statistics and Isaiah's condition specifically. She talked about Renzi and I and how healthy we are and how epilepsy does not run in either of our families. And then she said, "I wish we would have run the SCN1A gene mutation test. That would help me answer that question for you all a lot better."

I knew instantly exactly what test she was talking about. I remember it was January of last year and we were in the midst of Isaiah's seizures but we hadn't yet been to Texas Children's Hospital yet and we had not received the diagnosis of his epilepsy at this point. I remember taking both boys, by myself to Baptist so that Isaiah could have blood drawn for this particular test. I marched into the lab holding both boys (both were over 20 lbs at this time) and put Isaiah in my lap with my arms wrapped around him and somehow wedged Jackson between my legs so that he couldn't get out and the lab tech went to work trying to get some blood from Isaiah. I remember thinking about 10 seconds in why in the world I didn't bring help with me because Isaiah was screaming from the needle and Jackson was squirming and biting me on the leg. I was sweating and willing the tech to hurry up. Several vials of blood later, and what felt like an eternity, we left the lab (all of us at this point crying, including me!) and I vowed never again to do that alone again.

The blood was sent off to a lab in Nebraska and we actually found out the next day we had gotten into Texas Children's and we left the following week. The test was going to cost about $3000 outside of what insurance would cover. Since we ended up getting into Texas Children's we decided to hold off on the test to find out what happened while we were in Texas.

As most of you know, we found out on this trip that Isaiah did in fact, have epilepsy so we decided not to spend the money on the test. We found out what we needed to know at that time, so we decided to move forward with his diagnosis.

Never thought about that test again, until that lunch with Dr. Norman.

I asked if there was any possible way the lab would still have his blood sample. Dr. Norman said it was unlikely because it had been almost a year and most labs destroy any unused and used samples. She said she would make a call that afternoon to the lab in Nebraska and just see.

And what do you know. They still had his blood. ALL of it.

So, we ran the test. This test would let us know whether or not Isaiah had a genetically inherited type of severe epilepsy. If it came back positive then that would mean he was a carrier of the gene and then Renzi or I could be tested to see which one of us was also a carrier of the gene. If it came back negative, then that would mean that his epilepsy was just a fluke and that somehow when he was growing in my womb that one tiny flap of his brain didn't grow right and there was nothing that caused it to happen that way.

Well, after about three weeks we got the results back.

The results were negative. This means that if Renzi and I decide to have more children someday it makes it very unlikely that he or she would be affected with epilepsy like Isaiah.

When I got the email with the results I thought I would be relieved. But you know what I was? Angry.

Angry not because I wanted something to be wrong with my child. Angry because I still don't know why he died. Angry because the Medical Examiner's office still can't determine a cause of death for my child. Everything they have found thus far has been inconclusive. Angry because I still don't know why.

Which is why I think it is so significant that in my dreams about him recently, he is healed. I have come to realize through these dreams and through my crying when I need to cry that I am probably never going to know why my baby died. I am never going to get the answers I am looking for. I believe that his being healed in my dreams is God's way of telling me to let it go. He is telling me that he is ok. That some day I will get to see my baby again. And I will get to see him healed!!! What a glorious reunion that will be!

And that, really and truly takes my anger away.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


I am a little hesitant to post this story, but it is just too dang funny not to. I am sorry if this offends anyone but this, people, is my life. (And it's a story I will want to remember forever as well)

For this story there will be a glossary.

Here it is:


Sunday night Renzi and I were in our living room and Jackson was playing basketball in our bedroom. He does this a lot and will turn on the NBA channel in our room, drag his basketball goal in and will play for an hour at a time.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Jackson came barreling down the hallway crying and yelling, "My Willy is hurt! My marbles are broken!"

After about 10 minutes, he calmed down and I checked things out. All looked fine and from the story I could gather, he apparently ran into the fireplace in our room and smashed his marbles. Poor guy.

He never complained about it again.

Cut to last night. Jackson was getting out of the shower and I noticed something odd. His entire left side of his marbles were bruised and swollen. I yelled for Renzi to come take a look and his reaction was one of which I am sure all of you males out there would have. He straight up flipped out.

"Marbles are serious business Lee Anne," he said. "We better call Dr. V tomorrow."

So, this morning I made an awkward phone call to the triage nurse at Jackson's pediatrician's office. She straight up flipped out too. "What is it with you people and marbles?" I thought.

We got to Dr. V's office and Jackson promptly told everyone in the waiting room that we were there because he "smashed his marbles on the fireplace and they were broken."

That was fun.

Then we got into the exam room and Jackson told Dr. V about his smashed marbles and that it was ok for him to look at them but not to look at his ears because there was peanut butter in them. HUH????!!!

That was fun too.

Dr. V's reaction was much like everyone else's and he immediately called a Urologist friend of his and got Jackson in for an appointment for later on this afternoon. Jackson got dressed and walked out yelling down the hall at Dr. V, "Thanks for checking out my marbles Dr. V!"

And the fun continued.....

We went to the Urologist appointment and again with the reaction! Jackson told this doctor all about his broken marbles. This doctor was concerned there may be a hematoma that was blocking blood flow and so he ordered an ultrasound.

Jackson was a total champ during the ultrasound and he and the ultrasound tech had a great talk about marbles and basketball. (Again, HUH??!!!)

To sum up this crazy story, Jackson has a hematoma in one of his marbles, but this should heal on its own. The ultrasound showed good blood flow, no constrictions and no permanent damage. The doctor said this is a case where it definitely looks a LOT worse than it actually is. Thank goodness.

Lessons from today:

Having boys is not for the weary my friends.

Oh and be sure to protect your marbles.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Skiing is hard, or I'm just Old.

As mentioned in the previous post...we returned home from skiing this past Wednesday evening. To prepare Jackson for skiing, Renzi showed him videos on You Tube of skiiers. He took diligent notes.

We had the amazing opportunity to stay at our brother-in-law's Aunt and Uncle's condo in Bachelors Gulch. It was beautfiul and perfect. We had such a great time getting to hang out with Aunt Ginny and Uncle Dave!

We enrolled Jackson in ski school for Sunday, but decided to hold off on scheduling him for the next day in case for some reason he didn't like skiing. Who are we kidding? The kid LOVED skiing. Here he is getting fitted for his ski boots.

Jackson was a champ and a natural. Out of the 22 kids in his ski school class, 18 of them were full out crying everytime we stopped by to see them ski. Jackson was just his laid back self and he was whizzing on down the little bunny slope. He only wanted to "french fry." No "pizza wedge" here. He even told the teacher at one point that he didn't want to practice stopping, he just wanted to go fast!

I, on the other hand, came to the conclusion early on that skiing is not as easy as it used to be. The last time I had gone skiing was in the 8th grade. My body just did not do what I was telling it to do. On one particular run, Dave and Renzi were ahead of me and I totally went out of control. They said I looked like and 18 wheeler barreling down the mountain looking for an overpass to slow down on. Thanks guys.

But seriously, skiing is hard when you are older! I was so frustrated with it by the end of the second day that I vowed the next time we go skiing I will go "spa-ing." Yeah, that sounds more like it. Ahhhhhh......!!!!!!!!!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, February 11, 2011

Worst Mom Ever.

I feel like the worst mom ever.

I forgot my son's Valentine's Day party at school.

And I didn't even realize what I had done until he got back in the car and had a sack full of Valentine's from all of his friends. He even told me that his teacher helped him make some Valentine's so he could pass them out to all of his friends.

Break my heart!!!! I immediatley called Renzi and as soon as I heard his voice I started crying telling him what I had forgotten. He, of course, calmed me down and I felt a little better.

You see, I had actually tried to be proactive and I ordered these fabulous Valentine's for Jackson's class from www.whitneyenglish.com BEFORE we went skiing last week (more on skiing later...man, that's going to be a much better post than this one!). I thought I was on top of it and actually patted myself on the back for being so organized (which as we all know I am sooo not an organized person).I had it in my mind that his party was next Tuesday, Feb. 15th. Now that I think about it, why in the world would you have a Valentine's party AFTER Valentine's day?

I blew it.

Oh well. We all make mistakes right? Jackson, being the fabulously wonderful kiddo that he is didn't seem to notice and I will just pack his sweet Valentine's up with some candy for his friends and his teachers and he can pass them out on the 15th.

Lesson from this story. Maybe being organized just isn't my Schtick.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Coupon Clipping!

So lately, I have been trying to stick to my monthly budget. I feel like there is so much that we spend on random, *ahem* crap, that I should really pay attention to what I am buying. ESPECIALLY at the grocery store.

I have been trying to pay attention to coupons and clip them out, but what ends up happening is I see a coupon for something that I "think" we need and I end up spending more at the store buying stuff that ends up sitting in my cabinets, or around my house, and never ends up getting used or eaten and I have wasted money.

I saw this post with tips on coupon clipping from "Young House Love," and I just had to share with you guys. It was great!!! Happy Clipping!

I would also like to note that we officially have cabin fever. Thank you.