Enough.

I've been having a hard time in the last couple of weeks...not sure why it is harder now than it was before, but I am assuming that as time goes on things will hurt less and may even hurt more. I don't show it much when I am down. Not sure why, but that's just my nature. I take the "everything is fine" approach. And with running after a 2 year old still, most times, the nights are the hardest. When everyone has gone to bed and my mind just goes and goes and goes.

I am not much of a worrier...I am a pretty laid back person, mommy, wife, etc. which is why I am having a hard time at night. It takes a lot to ruffle my feathers and it takes a LOT to really tick me off. When I am upset, you will know it. I am so thankful that I am like this, but I think lately I have been a tad bit on the anxious side. Is Jackson ok? Is Renzi ok? Did I leave the oven on? (which is odd because I haven't cooked in weeks!)

Having gone through what we just went through is quite crippling. I find myself rationalizing with God and thinking things like, "Well, surely God knows we have been through enough. Right?"

The truth is, I believe in a Sovereign God. He can do and will do, what he pleases. He has my best interest at heart. He has an eternal perspective that I can only pray to catch glimpses of. He loves me unconditionally and with gracious love.

My prayer is that I can trust in Him and know that God is in control and will not give me what I can not handle. I am stronger than I think (as I believe that we all are). He knew me before the earth was made and he knows Renzi and both of my boys. He has has the past, present and future in His hands, and that should be Enough.

I miss my Zayah every second of every day. I miss his sweet smile, the way he laid his head on my shoulder when I picke him up, the way he ate like a freaking champ, the way he looked at Jackson like he was the coolest thing on this planet, the way he squealed withe delight when Renzi walked in the door. Everything. No one will ever be able to replace that. But I was given some advice from a fellow mommy who had lost a son a few years back. Ann Fleming lost her son Nate in the OSU plane crash in 2001. Her daughter Drue is a dear friend of mine. Ann wrote me a card after Isaiah died and said, "You have to learn to be ok with that fact that Renzi and Jackson are enough."

Great advice and that's what I am doing. Being ok with what I've got. That, my friends, is enough.

OKC Memorial

While trying to get Jackson's passport taken care of last week, one of the three times we were at the Downtown Post Office in OKC, we were waiting on Renzi to meet us (FYI, if you are getting your child a passport, BOTH parents have to be there to sign the paperwork and take an oath...good and useful information to know beforehand). We had about 20 minutes to spare, so Jackson and I walked across the street to the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial. What a great place and I was amazed at how in tune Jackson was with everything. He asked questions and walked along the water area so calmly and quietly. He asked me "Mommy, what's this place?" And I told him that this was a place where we could come and remember the people who passed away during a sad time in Oklahoma City. Sweet Jackson then asked if Isaiah was here in this place. I reminded him that Isaiah was in Heaven with Jesus and God and that these people were up there with him. I told him that this place was just a place to remember these people. He seemed satisfied with that answer and

we then went walking along the fence where people place items to memorialize the space, Jackson was so thoughtful and gingerly touched some of the items and was saying, "How cute, how sweet, pretty, etc."

Thank you Lord for my kind and thoughtful little boy.

We are going to Jordan! (Yes, the country).

So, we have some exciting news!

One of Renzi's clients is Four Star Debate, The Academy of Leadership and Liberty. Here is a quick link telling you what this client is doing this year...

This year’s Four Star Debate program promises to be an international learning experience of a lifetime for top high school students. Twenty-four U.S. students will pair up with 24 Jordanian and Middle Eastern students at King’s Academy near Amman, Jordan to debate whether the United States should support a comprehensive peace agreement between Israel and Palestine. The camp will be held from July 1 – 10 and will include a visit from His Majesty King Abdullah II of Jordan.

5 weeks ago, Renzi brought it up at home about the opportunity to go along on the trip, but we quickly shunned the idea. How could we do that with an almost 3 year old and a 1 year old? Not possible.

Now that there has been some change in our life, it was brought up again about the trip to Jordan. Renzi was then asked to be a speaker one of the evenings and he asked if Jackson and I could go along.

So....this means....Renzi, Jackson and I are heading to Jordan (yes the country!) July 1st!!!! What an experience and what an adventure!!!!

We will be leaving July 1st from OKC and flying to Chicago...there we will hop on a plane to Amman, Jordan (15 hours!). We will be staying in Jordan until July 5th. Then we will be flying to Madrid, Spain until July 12th. I am sooooo flipping excited!!!

Have any of you been to Jordan? Have any of you been to Spain? If so, what are must sees? We are going to take the first few days in Jordan and try to see all that we can (or all that having an almost 3 year old will allow!) Here are the must sees...

Petra: a historic and archeological city in the Jordanian governorate of Ma'an that has rock cut architecture and water conduits system. Established sometime around the 6th century BC as the capital city of the Nabataeans. It is a symbol of Jordan as well as its most visited tourism attraction.

Dead Sea: The Dead Sea, also called the Salt Sea, is a salt lake bordering Isreal and the West Bank to the west, and Jordan to the east. Its surface and shores are 422 meters (1,385 ft) below sea level, the lowest elevation on the Earth's surface on dry land. It is also one of the world's saltiest bodies of water with 33.7% salinity.

Mt. Nebo: is an elevated ridge that is what is now western Jordan. The view from here provides a panorama of the Holy Land and one of the valley of the River of Jordan. You can also see Jericho and Jerusalem from this ridge.

We have also thrown out the idea that we might make a trip to Israel, but I am a little concerned with doing so with Jackson. I worry about safety, etc. so we may make that a game time decision when we get there to see just how safe things are.

We will be staying at a really nice hotel in Jordan (I lobbied for the Four Seasons in Amman, but was quickly shot down by my husband. Boo! Now, I am currently lobbying for upgrading our seats on the flight to First Class. I will let you know if I win that one! :) and I am excited for Jackson (and Renzi and I!) to have these experiences and adventures.

We haven't done much research on Spain yet...but I am excited to start!

I just wanted to share this fun news with you all! It will be so good for our family to have an adventure and get away for a while.

Peace in the Middle East! :) hhahahahah, I am so funny.

Lee Anne

Laying my baby to rest.

I don't really feel like blogging about Isaiah's internment service that Renzi and I had so I will just say a few things and be done...it was awful and peaceful all at the same time. Here are pictures of his plaque. Inside the sealed plaque is his urn and some special items that we placed in there with him. The main thing I had to keep reminding myself was...he's not here. None of the people who are in the Columbarium are there. It's just a place to come and remember him, but he is not there. He celebrated his first birthday in Heaven and what a birthday party he must have had. I bet he ate an entire cookie cake. :)

I feel like now I can move on. I have been anxious about the internment and felt like I was moving backwards in my grieving process, but now I know how important it is to lay someone to rest somewhere peaceful. We truely felt his presence that day.

Jackson keeps saying that he "lost his baby and can't find him." Then, in the same breath he will say, "But Zayah is in Heaven with Jesus and God in the snow and the clouds and he is napping." Sometimes I think we should take lessons from a 2 year old. They make it so simple and breathtaking.

Happy Birthday Isaiah!

This morning I decided to take Jackson to a movie. I had never taken him to one before, but he went about a year ago with my stepsister Sarah and her kiddos. Apparently, he fell asleep in that movie. We treked downtown to Harkins Theatre in Bricktown and saw the 9:45 a.m. showing of Ice Age. After three trips to the potty and 50 minutes into the movie Jackson declared it was time to go play outside. So, out we went to feed the ducks and play near the waterfall.

We then met up with Addie, Sidney Kate, Jenny, Kaden and Amber at Cafe 501 for a yummy lunch and Addie brought a cookie cake (my favorite!) for Isaiah's birthday. It was a wonderful celebration of friends for Isaiah's birthday. Sidney Kate even got to try Cheetos for the first time. Sorry Addie! :)

We then came home to find a package on our doorstep. I opened it up and saw it was from Silver Dollar City, which we had visited a week and a half ago. I wasn't expecting a package so when I opened it up it took my breath away. I had totally forgotten that we had gone to the blacksmith store at SDC and ordered a plaque for Isaiah to be displayed outside by our pool near the waterfall since Isaiah loved water so much. They told us at the store that it would be 5 weeks before we received the plaque. How totally ironic that we received it TODAY on Isaiah's birthday.

ISAIAH SOARS!

Much love,

Lee Anne

New Things....

This week was a hard but good week for all of us here at the Stone house trying to adjust back to "normal" life. Jackson has decided that he likes to do lots of new things, I have highlighted the new things with taking pictures just so you can get the full idea.

First new thing...Jackson is in full on big boy underwear! We have an official potty trained little boy. He is so proud and will announce to anyone at anytime, anywhere that he has "pee peed" or "pooped" in the potty. Yesterday he announced it to the entire Charleston's restaraunt after church. He also likes to call and leave voicemails to people telling him about his poops. If you are on the receiving end of one of these voicemails, I apologize in advance.

Second new thing...Jackson likes to exercise. This morning with the torrential rains that hit Oklahoma, I decided that we really shouldn't get out. So, I turned on a Jillian Michaels exercise show to break a sweat. Jackson decided to join in. He is now on his 3rd 30 minute show and hasn't stopped yet. I, stopped after the first one. The pictures are of him that I took this morning while he was doing jumping jacks. Please excuse my unmade bed.

Third thing is....Jackson likes to take pictures with our camera. I downloaded a picture he took of me. I am impressed because its the first picture he has taken that his little fingers haven't been covering the flash.

Lastly, Jackson and I planted tomato plants about a month ago....They were freakishly growing wild so Renzi went to Lowes yesterday and got me some tomato wires...I have some fabulously green tomatoes and I am sooo excited!

It's good to be home and like I said before we are trying to get back to some sense of normalcy. One funny thing that happened this week was on Wednesday. Jackson had been to Mothers Day Out already on Monday and we were late getting there. Then we were late getting there on Wednesday. I started laughing on the way out because I used to blame our lateness on Isaiah. Turns out, I should have just been blaming myself. It's totally me that makes us late! I am such a dilly dallier and get distracted easily. And I have unrealistic expectations on time frames. Like, I think it takes me 15 minutes to get myself ready and Jackson ready for school, get us both in the car with all of our stuff, drive to school and walk in. Yeah right!

Tomorrow is what would have been Isaiah's first birthday. I know it is going to be a hard day for us. We are actually going to have Isaiah's internment tomorrow evening in the columbarium at St. Luke's. It is just going to be Renzi and I and Rev. Phil Greenwood from our church. I didn't want to make a huge deal out of it and wanted to keep it private because I don't want to have to worry about other people and if they are ok or not during the small ceremony. We are going at sunset tomorrow to place his ashes and urn in his spot in the columbarium. We will get to place a few items in his space as well so I am going to work on a couple of thins to put in there this afternoon. We will say a prayer and spend some time with our baby. Then, Renzi and I are going out for a nice dinner with some nice wine to toast Isaiah on his birthday.

I will post pictures of Isaiah's resting place tomorrow. It's an amazing place and I am so happy that he will forever rest at our church. It's a wonderfully peaceful place and we can go and visit him anytime. Ironically, Renzi and I just purchased a building downtown where his new OKC offices will be and you literally can see the columbarium wall from the front of his office building. It's comforting to me knowing that Isaiah's daddy can keep an eye on him (and vice versa!) during the day.

Much love and blessings to you all and thank you for keeping us in your prayers!

Lee Anne

Beth Jansen Pictures

Our fabulous most favorite photographer Beth Jansen took family pictures of us last November. Isaiah was almost 6 months old and Jackson was 2 years and some change. We had already had to reschedule our shoot from earlier in the month of November because we were in the hospital with Isaiah, so sweet sweet Beth had literally squeezed us into her insanly busy schedule and I am so thankful that she did. What I remember most from that day (besides me sweating profusley...I have a problem for those of you that don't know me. I am hot ALL of the time. Seriously, sweat even in the snow), was that Isaiah was a complete angel and Jackson was a terror. I think Jackson had about 97 time outs that day, while Isaiah smiled for the camera and didn't make a peek.

We have many of her pictures that we purchased around our house, but the day that Isaiah died she sent over this CD of all of the pictures that she took that day. I am posting my favs. Thank you wonderful Beth Jansen for taking the pictures of our family and for capturing the best of Isaiah and Jackson and my handsome hubby.

My hope is that these pictures do not make you sad to look at them because they make me happy to look at them. (and they are too too too fabulous not to share!)

Enjoy!

Lee Anne

We are home.

We are home.

We spent two weeks at our lake house on Monkey Island on Grand Lake. It was wonderful and sad. We cried, we slept, we didn't sleep, we talked, we cried some more, we got angry about our situation, we were depressed about our situation, we were numb about our situation. But most of all, we spent time loving on our Jackson and each other.

It was wonderful and it was sad.

We are back home. And missing Isaiah.

Renzi is going back to work tomorrow, Jackson is going back to Mother's Day Out and I....well, I am going to try to sit in the quiet and continue to try to heal.

It's time to move forward.

We will continue praying. Hope you will too!

Much love and faith,

Lee Anne