Monday, May 16, 2011

My letter to Isaiah-One Year Later.

Dear Isaiah,
I can NOT believe it has been a year since you left us to go be with Jesus. In all honesty, it almost seems like another lifetime ago that you were here with us. But, there are these amazing moments that I remember that make me feel like you were just here.

In 12 months we have all changed. Your brother has grown up so much. He grew up a lot while you were here with us. I feel like I missed out on a lot of his 2nd year because we were always so worried about you and that is totally ok. You needed us. Jackson is such a strong, independent, funny, smart little guy! But one thing is for sure...he remembers you and talks about you daily and that makes my heart so happy. My prayer is that he will always talk about you. He brings up so many things that frankly, I can't believe he remembers. Like the other day, he brought up the many times we had "Stone Family Dance Parties" in our living room. He could name the song and the different dance moves we all did. He even brought up the "Bouncy Bouncy Zayah" that we used to say to you. I even found a video of us saying that and dancing all together. I can't even begin to tell you what it makes me feel like to watch you so alive and laughing in these videos. Sometimes I can't even bring myself to watch them, but other times, it's like I can't help but watch them. I have included a video in this post of one of those moments.

My hope in including this video is so everyone who reads this can remember you how I remember you. So Alive! So Vibrant! So Animated! I also ask that those of you who read this blog, please do not feel sorry for me. I ask that you be happy for me. Be happy that I am Jackson and Isaiah's mommy. Be happy, proud and faithful about the time that I had with my youngest son. In one year, I have found that I am grateful for every moment. Be happy with knowing that we are all ok. We have survived one year since losing you. ONE YEAR.

The number one thing I think we have learned in the 12 months that you have been gone is that you will forever remain in our hearts as an amazing blessing and teacher of the love of Jesus. You taught us so much about faith. Faith is believing in the constant goodwill of the Lord. And I know that our Lord is good. I know that he is righteous. And that he is sovereign.

I am so proud of how your daddy and I have handled everything. We made a promise to eachother the day you died to "stick together." To be on the same team and to not leave eachother's sides. You, my precious little one, strengthened our marriage into something I could never have dreamed. Your daddy is such an incredible servant leader of our family. You taught him so much about himself and I know he is so thankful for that. It is amazing when you are at your worst, and you have to find it in yourself to pull yourself out of the darkness and emerge as a light. Your sweet daddy is that light to your brother and I.

My sweet baby I wish I could hug your neck. How I wish I could see you now. There are so many moments that I call, "WWID" moments. (What Would Isaiah Do). Like for example, the other night we were playing catch in our was pretty calm and we were all throwing the ball back and forth and I had this vision of WWID do in this very moment. And I envisioned you running like crazy, laughing your head off and causing all sorts of chaos. I actually miss the chaos that you brought with you every where you went. You controlled a room better than anyone I know. What a politician you were! You could work every person you met with that amazing smile of yours. And that laugh. Oh Lordy be. That laugh is infectious.

I can hardly wait to see you again, but until then....please know that you are in my every thought and every prayer. I am doing pretty good. I am a different person, but I am happier with who I am since I had you. I am thankful for the blessings that you bestowed on my life. I am so very thankful for you.

We love you precious boy.
Love forever and ever and always,


Danielle (elleinadspir) said...

Beautiful post. It makes me smile to know you guys talk about him. It's so important to heal and accept...but to still include him and remember. If that makes any sense. And what you said about your marriage is wonderful to hear. Hugs to you guys.

sarah @ life {sweet} life said...

Hi Lee Anne,

So I randomly stumbled across your blog tonight, and don't really know where to begin. I am so terribly sorry to hear of your loss. I have been reading your story and just can't stop crying. I know you say not to feel sorry for you, but my heart just aches for you. But what's even more amazing? Your faith and positive attitude that just radiate from the computer screen. Silly to say, I know, but it's true! It is so inspiring to see your faith, and I can sense your authenticity in reading your words. As I continued to read about Isaiah, I noticed he went to heaven the same day my son was born. And that just broke me to pieces. I don't understand life at all, but I am thankful we know a God who not only understands it, but plans it all out for us. I guess that's what carries you through it all. :) Thank you so much for sharing your heart and reminding me the importance of not taking things for granted. I will pray that the Lord continues to use you to minister to those around you, as well as many blessings for your sweet family.

And I know this is really random, but were you a journalism major at OU by any chance? I was (class of '03) and you look really familiar for some reason. :)

Okay, sorry for the longest comment ever! I tend to be long-winded but just wanted you to know that I think you are amazing and you will be in my prayers!