Monday, September 20, 2010

Missing him.


I was at work today and I turned on my computer and somehow I found myself looking at this picture. It made me smile and it made me sad all at the same time. While I was sitting at work...and then I got teary eyed and I remembered my last post about the book, "If you have to cry go outside." And then I started to laugh. Strange emotions to have all at once I tell ya.
So, I thought in this post I would let you all know how I am doing after four months since Isaiah passed away. I feel like I need to write about it today, so that's exactly what I am going to do. I hope this helps any of you who see me out and about and are scared to ask me how we are doing, or wondering if you should bring "it" up or not.
After four months it still hurts like h-e-double hockey sticks. Sometimes it feels like fresh hurt and sometimes it doesn't hurt as bad as it did the day before.
At first I wondered if I would ever really be happy again or ever really laugh again. And then, one day you find yourself really really laughing, a real laugh, where your face hurts and you think about how long its been since you laughed like that and vow to do it more. Then you thank God for that moment.
Someone will ask you how you are doing and you say you are doing OK, and you really feel like you are doing ok, then as soon as you are alone you burst into tears. And after a good cry, you actually feel a little better and wonder why you held it in for so long. I am so grateful when someone asks me about him. I love talking about BOTH of my boys. It feels good to talk about both of them. And if I cry when I talk to you, I cry. And if I don't, I don't.
There are Sundays when I don't want to go to church. Since Isaiah's memorial is at our church it has scared me to go back there and I don't want to open up a wound when I don't have to. Then, there are Sundays that won't come fast enough. I have been to church the last two weeks and am overwhelmed with how comforting it is to just be there. It's like he's there with us wrapping his arms around us and I feel his love.
I have some nights when I can't fall asleep because I am thinking about him and some mornings when it takes all of my strength to push forward. But I do. And in the mornings, during the half-second between asleep and fully awake, I feel the dreaded feeling that something is wrong and it then it hits me all over again: he's gone.
But..through it all, I am grateful that God picked me to be his mommy. I hold his picture sometimes and kiss it, remembering his soft skin. I will find a shirt or a blanket of his and try as hard as I can to smell him and then cry because I can't. I sometimes play his videos on the computer and ache to hold him one more time. And then I wonder if I am crazy, and then feel better because other moms tell me they have done the same thing.
I am so humbled by the prayers offered up to our family from people I have never met and grateful for family and friends who have loved us through this. I pass people, in the grocery store, at the soccer field, at the gas station, and I wonder what sadness they are carrying around that no one knows about. I pray now for people as my day goes on. If someone pops in my mind, I pray for them. You never know who needs a prayer at any given time.
There are days when I am full of questions. What if this, or what if that, or how come this and how come that. But then I remember that God's soverign plans are perfect and Isaiah's days were appointed before he was even one day old.
Most of all, I am grateful for Isaiah. Grateful for his short life. I know that if given the choice between not knowing him and not knowing grief or knowing him and experiencing a grief like you have never known before...I would pick him. Over and over I would pick him.


12 comments:

spooniest said...

"Most of all, I am grateful for Isaiah. Grateful for his short life. I know that if given the choice between not knowing him and not knowing grief or knowing him and experiencing a grief like you have never known before...I would pick him. Over and over I would pick him"
THIS SHOULD BE IN A BOOK!
YOUR HONESTY WITH YOUR READERS AND STRENGTH ARE AMAZING. JUST AMAZING!

Whitney said...

Thank you so much for sharing!! And I agree...
"Most of all, I am grateful for Isaiah. Grateful for his short life. I know that if given the choice between not knowing him and not knowing grief or knowing him and experiencing a grief like you have never known before...I would pick him. Over and over I would pick him"
THIS SHOULD BE IN A BOOK!

Leslie said...

"and I wonder what sadness they are carrying around that no one knows about" it's so true... I have thought about this same thing many times, we all need encouragement and prayer. Thank you for sharing your heart, I love to hear about your family. I love Isaiah's picture, he looks so happy... like I imagine he is right now :) We love you guys! Give Renzi & Jackson a big hug for us.

ndg said...

You are an amazing writer and a true inspiration. As a mother, I cannot begin to fathom your pain and I so respect your ability to share your feelings and thoughts with your readers. I hope that one day you look back and realize how the process of writing these blogs helped to heal your heart, even if it's just a little bit. God bless.

AmyC said...

I love, love, love your honesty in dealing with your grief. I lost my mother tragically eighteen months ago. A totally different situation, but the loss was at times paralyzing. I share so many of these mixed emotions and it is exhausting to have them going on all at the same time. Keep it up and I will keep praying for you and your family.

I agree. Those words, "Most of all...over and over I would pick him." In Bob Long's words...."that would preach." Beautiful.

kendycox said...

This post is so honest and inspirational....I know that I pray that I won't experience tragedy, but I pray equally that I will trust in God in those times just as I do in absence of grief. I think of you daily, even though I'm one of those people who doesn't know you personally. Thank goodness for the human connections that can be forged this way.

sovereigntyandinfertility said...

You don't know me at all, but I wanted to let you know how your blog and your accounts of your son's passing into eternity have touched me. I can "see" your holding tight to the Lord when it must be easier to be angry and bitter. As someone who has been dealing with infertility for three years, I know some of your grief and sadness, but won't say I completely understand because I've never even known the joy of pregnancy.

I also wanted to recommend a book to you, "From Grief to Glory" by James Bruce. http://www.amazon.com/Grief-Glory-James-Bruce-III/dp/0851519962/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1285185578&sr=1-1

They lost their son at about 3 months of age and he chronicles their experience along with the experiences of many men and women of God from former times who had suffered in the same way. James is from Oklahoma City and is an elder at Grace Bible Church. I know many have found comfort in reading it and have felt a renewed sense of God's wonderful grace and mercy.

God's blessings to you and know that you are serving as a wonderful witness for Him and His Kingdom.

Kelly said...

I have to say LeAnne, you are an amazing woman and your family and faith are such an inspiration. We have some friends in common and when I began my own blog, I eagerly checked out everyone's I could to find out WHAT people write about. So I periodically checked in on your blog as well as others I came across. Although we have never met, I feel like I know you through your posts (funny how easy it is to relate to someone you have never met just because you both have children!) My heart truly broke for you when I read about Isaiah's passing and I pray for your family often. I just wanted you to know how awesome it is that you are so open and honest about your feelings, your love for your babies, and your love for Christ. You are an inspiration for all mother's out there! Bless you!!

Julie Baron said...

LeeAnne you are an amazingly strong woman and someone that I know many look up to! Your words are incredibly touching and humbling. You are an amazing writer and I applaude you for sharing your deepest feelings with all of us. I know your words are helping other Mommies who have lost their little angels and are also helping all of us other Mommies in a totally different way! I send all of my love to you and your family!

Susie T said...

Thank you so much for sharing-you truly are an inspiration

Leah Moses-Rubio said...

Lee Anne,

It has been AGES since our time together at PCN, and you may have blocked out our awkward high school years altogether. :) I ran across your blog through a friend/colleague of mine (Kendy Cox), and I was so saddened to learn about your loss. At the same time, I am inspired by your strength and grace. Although you were technically my junior, I always looked up to in high school...let me say that my admiration for you has grown exponentially. Thank you for reminding me about the preciousness of life and love. I am thinking about you and praying for you and your family.

Rita said...

Just catching up on the blog, and came across this post.

I've written and then deleted several versions of this comment... but no words seem adequate or appropriate.

Just know that we love you guys. And we're so sorry.