Saturday, December 18, 2010

Bearable

This morning as I sit here with my coffee (two sweet-n-lows and pumpkin spice creamer), next to the fire as my sweet husband sleeps and my Jackson is in the next room watching "Max and Ruby Christmas," I am having an overwhelming feeling of something.

Gratefulness?

Thankfulness?

Nostalgia?

I'm not quite sure what it is.

All, I know is that there is one feeling totally missing from my normal feelings that I am aware of every day these days. There is still a sadness that is there. I have come to accept that this feeling will always be there. But for some reason this morning, the sadness seems a little more bearable.

I have heard this happens. That when you lose a child that the overwhelming sadness doesn't go away, but one day you wake up and the sadness becomes bearable.

Today just might be that day.

I have come to accept so many things over the last 7 months. So many awful things. But, I have also come to accept many great things as well. I am much more thankful than I used to be. Thankful for the good and thankful for the bad.

I was also thinking about my birthday which is coming up. I was born three days after Christmas. I have actually never thought of it as a hindrance, but a way to keep the party going after Christmas. And then when my birthday ends, I think about how New Years Eve is coming up and that is a way to keep the party going even longer. :)

But, I was thinking about my 30th year....how it was the hardest year of my life. I can see it in my face when I look in the mirror. I can feel it in my bones after a long run or a hard work out at bootcamp. But it also was a year where I grew in ways in my Faith that I never knew possible. I truly relied on God (and still do) to get up in the morning, push through and simply get by hard parts in the day.

As hard as this year has been, I still have hope for this next year and the years to come. And it all came to a head this morning when my sadness became bearable.

So, this morning I would like to thank God for my precious husband who loves me with every fiber of his being. He always has my back and I know sometimes that is hard to do! He is my rock and no one makes me laugh more than he does. My life is so much richer because of him and I am honored to be your wife and the mother of your children. Thank you for loving me for me. Thank you for accepting all of my crazy moments as just that. My crazy moments. Thank you for giving me the most amazing two little boys.

Thank you God for Jackson Stone. This little boy holds my heart in the palm of his hand and I am so in awe that he is my baby. Thank you for his sweet disposition and his empathy for others and for life. I get the biggest kick out of him every day and I know he was placed in my life for a reason. Even though he is just three years old he has taught me more about life and the life I want to continue to lead than any other person has. I love you to pieces!

And lastly, Lord, I thank you for Isaiah Stone. Thank you for the time that I had with him. Thank you for showing me what it means to truly give everything that you have to someone and still want to give more. Thank you for his smiles, his cries, and every breath that he took. You see, I feel like I am the lucky one that I got to know him as long as I did. In 11 months, (actually 9 months in the belly and 11 months outside), I learned just how strong you can be when faced with a challenge greater than yourself. I learned that my greatest life achievement is not the job you have, how much money you will make or where you live, etc. My greatest life achievement is and forever will be being a wife and a mommy.

I hope that everyone has a Happy Holiday season.
Much love to all!
LAS

5 comments:

Katie Nash said...

Thanks for reminding us what Christmas is all about! Thinking of you guys always.

Allison L.C. Jack said...

I love you Lee! I just don't have any words for how amazing you are. xoxo

spooniest said...

I love this post. Christmas is a wonderful time of year for so many reasons....and you reminded us of that. Thank you and Merry Christmas!

Allison L.C. Jack said...

My heart still aches for you and Renzi. Barb and I are always here for you. God is with all of us always. You are the righteousness of God in Christ!

Special Merry Christmas!

Larry Cash (via Allisons iPad)

Rita said...

My goodness, what a beautiful post!

(Although, I can't quite get past the fact that you're THIRTY ONE... you're a BABY! A tiny newborn baby)

Signed -
Old Lady Ortloff : )