Friday, February 14, 2014

Change.

I've been thinking a lot lately about change.

What can we change?

What would we even really want to change?

I would, of course if I could, change what happened when we lost Isaiah. But change, I believe is about a choice. We can choose how we react to something. How we deal.

We can choose whether we get on with life or root ourselves in the past.

My approach to most situations in my life is to deal and move on. No reason to dwell on something and relive it over and over again. I try to take this approach most when it comes to disagreements or disapointments. Talk to the person I have an issue with, work it out, move on.

I want to try to enjoy every moment. I know it's basic pop psychology, but it works for me.

Sometimes facing the worst can teach you how to be your best.

I am forever changed because I lost a son. I am forever changed because of the choices I make daily. I am forever changed because I have Jesus in my heart.

There are other moments in life that scream at you with change.

My beloved grandfather passed away 9 months ago. I was in the room with him when he took his last breath on this earth.

Watching someone die is something I can not even begin to be able to put into words. It's something that has forever changed me. I'm not quite sure how it couldn't.

When the hospice nurse came in to tell us the time was close when he would go, my dad pulled my brother and I out of the room and asked us if being in the room when he died would be something we could handle. I was almost panicked with the thought of being there but almost pulled by a magnetic force that I couldn't miss the moment.

You see, I wasn't with my son when he died. This was a way I felt I could "make it up to him," by being with someone and surrounding them with love as they took their last breath on this earth. I felt I owed it to Isaiah because I would have given anything to be there for him if I could have.

The moment he took his last breath, he was surrounded by my grandmother, my father, my stepmother and my brother. We all held on to him not knowing what to expect. We all said over and over how much we loved him, how much we admired him, how loved he was. I leaned in and told him to make sure to hug Isaiah when he saw him in Heaven and a tear slipped out of his closed eye. Another one came when we told him we would take care of grandma for him.

And then he was gone.

No beeping monitors.

No flatlining sounds.

Just silence.

Peace.

In that moment there it was.

Change.

When I gave birth to my sons, I experienced a love that was deeper than any I could imagine. Death was similar-but the opposite. It was a feeling of loss I never knew existed-a deep painful emptiness that I had to find my way through.

I think a lot about what I like to call my Shirley MacLaine moment. Have you ever seen the movie, "Terms of Endearment?" When Shirley MacLaine's daughter is dying of cancer and she is in pain and Shirley goes out to the nurse's station and is screaming at everyone to help her daughter while they all stand there and just look at her and then they move on to their next task.

 It's in all of the movies when someone dies. The moment when you understand. When you get it. This is all just a charade. The doctors have moved on to other patients and you are left screaming at the nurses station. It's how you choose to deal with it that defines you. You can scream all you want. But you can't change what happened. All you can do is deal with the change that is happening around you. Deal with your emotions. Deal with the change.

Change.

Moving on.

Dealing.

People move on. And sometimes you are left there...still mourning and waiting for someone to recognize that you are still there.

Change. You can choose to embrace it or not.

This post may not make a whole lot of sense, but it's something I want to remember about this time in my life. With growing kiddos and a busy life there is always some sort of change happening.

Constant change.

Stillness.

Contentment.

This Valentine's Day I find myself in a much more content place than I have been in a long time. I have embraced the change that my life has brought me and I am truly happy with where I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I have dealt with life's punches and I feel I have conquered a lot.

These boys of mine and my husband make my life so complete and I thank God for blessing me with all of them. I pray that as life goes on that I can handle the changes life brings in good ways and always grow from it.


2 comments:

Ginny Badanes said...

What an incredibly thoughtful post Lee. Thank you for sharing. Love you!

Tesha Papik said...

This was such a beautiful post! I also stood at the bedside of my Papaw (the only dad I ever had) as he went to Heaven. In that moment I was forever changed. I also stood at the bedside of my father-in-law as he took his last breath with my son and my husband... Words still can not describe that moment like you said the world is still moving and life just stands still. Thank you for sharing these thoughts they reminded me I am not alone, our condition, human suffering and joy is shared.